When Making Friends is Hard: Three Truths to Guide You

Photo by Duy Pham on Unsplash

 I was sitting just out of reach of the cool group. I tried to get closer––hoping I could hang out with them. I wanted to push against my natural shyness in order to make friends. One of the girls turned from whispering to a girl next to her and looked straight at me. “Could you go somewhere else while we talk?” she asked. I stepped away, shocked. Feeling betrayed, I wondered if I should stop trying to make friends.

Can you relate to this? 

This wasn’t the only time I suffered hurt and offense in my teen years. But God has been revealing truths from His word that have given me hope in the midst of pain, hope I want to share with you. Here are three truths and some practical help I pray will strengthen you to continue seeking friends, helping you to approach the trials of friendship differently.

Truth 1: Friendship is a gift 

God designed us to fellowship with others and gave us relationships as a gift (1 John 1:7). In fact, we often suffer more from not having relationships than we do in our effort to build them. 

 

For a while I stopped pursuing friendship since I had been hurt so much by others. But I quickly found that I couldn’t be happy while sitting alone in social gatherings, not being able to call anyone a friend.

Don’t cut yourself off from others and send the message that you don’t need them. Instead, know that God’s gift of friendship is good, and be willing to pursue it.

Truth 2: We are loved by God 

While we rightly want to be known, we tend to look to imperfect humans to perfectly love and satisfy us, and we are disappointed. But there is good news! We have a Father in heaven who already loves us perfectly, who loves us in such a way that He sent His Son to save us (John 3:16). 

God made us to depend on Him, so look to Him knowing He will perfectly love you. Dwell on all he has done to show His love to you (Psalm 31:7, 66:20, Eph. 2:4). Remember also that you’re loved by Jesus who can sympathize with you in your pain: He was abandoned by His friends when He was on the path to save them (Mark 14:43-50).

The more we dwell on God’s love for us, the more we’re free to love others and be all right if we aren’t loved in return.

Truth 3: We aren’t alone in our suffering 

In this sin-scarred world, despite what we feel, we don’t suffer alone. Everyone suffers as they seek to make and keep friends. 

It may be hard to fathom the cool kids you know struggling in the area of friendship. But I’ve noticed that even those who seem to have it together still struggle: they may think their best friend is spending too much time with someone else, or they don't have close friends beyond their tiny group. Even the ones who cause your suffering may themselves be suffering.

God says you should pray for those who have hurt you––asking Him to strengthen them as they suffer alongside you. By His grace, this will help you grow in empathy toward those who at first seem mean and uncaring. 

Applying the Truths 

Here are some practical suggestions for relating to others in a new way:

Consider others as more significant than yourselves (Phillipians 2:3). When you walk into a room of people don’t think, “What can I do to make people like me?” But rather, “How can I serve those around me?”

Think about your “already friends,” the people in your life who you can call true friends. Think beyond the category of “kids my age in this one crowd,” to your family, your coaches, kids you babysit, or different groups of people you enjoy being around.

Thank God for those you named, and then ask Him to show you who else you can befriend. 

Try to notice the people who aren’t part of the “cool” group. Then go up and introduce yourself. Be a friend to them.

Ask for help. Before you walk into a room of people, ask God to make you satisfied in Him and free to love people with the same love Christ has shown you. 

Then, assess the situation to see if a friend group seems available. If they are having a conversation that would be hard to enter into, look for someone else to talk to. Maybe everyone is having fun and you can join in. If people hurt your feelings, overlook their offense (Proverbs 19:11); if they invite you in, thank God and don’t assume they’re being fake. Seek to influence them with a love that gives and expects nothing in return. 

Please don’t let your pain go unchecked. Respond to it by reminding yourself of these truths and acting on them. Remember that whatever God gives you––lifelong friends or seasons of relational hardship––is from His loving hand. Ultimately, He is preparing believers for the glory of heaven, where we will be in perfect communion with Christ and have perfect friendship with one another.